Monday, November 7, 2011

Why I Hate Sushi


For those who weren't disgusted by the title and actually made it here, welcome to why I hate sushi. I hate it. A long time ago, back when I was naive and foolish, I used to always say that I wish I liked sushi.  Why? Does anyone realize how much shit one gets for hating the taste of sushi?  THIS IS WHY I HATE IT. Let me explain.

As a small child growing up in the ghetto of Chicago, one could say that my experience with sushi, wasabi, ginger, and soy sauce was minimal, if non-existent (the soy sauce is a blatant lie, blacks love shrimp fried rice).  This probably explains my awkward handling of chopsticks as well, which I also hate.  Once I went on a date in Houston at a Vietnamese restaurant and I had to order the soup because I was too embarrassed to have my date deem me as "Steak and Potatoes Rob" upon realization that I needed a fork and a knife. Want an egg roll Rob? Oh no thanks, I'll just watch you eat. I only eat soup. Freak. Anyways, long story short, 0 exposure to sushi. 

I finally decided to give sushi a try. Absolutely foul. I'm being a bit dramatic here to drive in my point as there are some rolls that I do enjoy.  However, I believe my first piece was eel, which in my opinion needs to be banned in 49 states.   Ever since then, I have been ridiculed for not making sushi part of my diet.  However, the taste is only 25% of what I hate about sushi.  The other 75% of my hatred consists of bitchy sushi fans who think that they are somehow better, more cultured and more open minded because they opt for the $5.99 ($6.46 w/tax) shitty sushi box at H-E-B while I casually stroll out with a chicken salad sandwich.  I don't understand it! Why is sushi so damn special?  Are you really that shocked and appalled that I don't like a fat ass piece of raw fish , hopelessly strapped to a bed of rice by black seaweed? And why do people care about others' tastes in food? Let's say I hosted a dinner party, with my speciality: Blackened catfish and black-eyed peas and rice.   If one of my guests declared to me that he/she didn't like black-eyed peas, do you know what my reaction would be?  I'd shrug my shoulders and just give them fish and rice, because I honestly don't give a flying fuck. And this is coming from Rob, who believes that black-eyed peas are one of the true gems of this earth, right behind the Ecuadorian banana. I'd rather rip my insides out than eat a green olive, luckily for me this is socially acceptable. Unfortunately, hating sushi is not.  Here are some of the ridiculous things I've heard in the past for my opinion on sushi.. and this is how I feel about it.

1. "Oh Rob, you need to open up your mind".
          Response:  Open up my mind? Are you crazy? I'm one of the most liberal people I've ever met. I'd even munch on a golden retriever if it were seasoned properly. Horseshit. Do you even know me?

2. "Oh Rob, you just haven't had the right kind of sushi."
          Response:  Ok, I don't know the names for all of the rolls I've tried, but I've tried A LOT and there are few that really tickle my fancy. I've tried so many that I can even come up with crafty alliterative names for what I hate.  Shitty sashimi, terrible tuna, untouchable unagi.  I think you get the point.  An A+ to me for those being in alphabetical order.

3. "Oh Rob, you just haven't had sushi in the right places"
        Response:  Bitch! What? I've eaten sushi in bad ass restaurants in San Francisco (HELLA ASIAN),    New York City, Paris, Montreal, Miami and the list goes on. Hell, I've eaten sushi in f'in Sao Paulo, which last time I checked has the highest Japanese population outside of Japan.  Guess what? Still disgusting.   How authentic do you want me to get??!?! If you're willing to prove your point by buying me a round-trip ticket to NRT (learn your airport codes), be my guest.

4.  "Ok Rob, I know you don't like sushi, but we can eat at this Japanese restaurant. Come on, I promise they have other options."
        Response: Great, I'm getting shitfaced again on Sapporo and sake while struggling to down the same ol' tired ass chicken teriyaki.  Best Friday Ever!


When I was left alone with zero judgement, thanks to my friend Andres Mignola, I did try sushi in Buenos Aires and I liked what I tried.  I subsequently went on an outrageous sushi binge, ordering sushi delivery from every restaurant that was willing to deliver to the barrio Congreso for no fee.  As I finally began to come to the realization that I might like sushi, I decided to share my happiness with the world.  My happiness level would soon come crashing down when my sister informed me that that california rolls, philadelphia rolls or anything with cream cheese in it doesn't "count as real sushi". WTF? This makes absolutely no sense.  Is a blueberry muffin less of a muffin because it has blueberries in it that enhance its flavor? This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard and it's exactly the reason why I hate sushi and its fans.

Bottom line, just because you claim that you could eat sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner does not make you any more interesting, cultured, adventurous or sophisticated than you actually are.  The same goes for oysters, beef tartar and other off -the-wall foods that have become so damn "cool" to eat. If just means you like fish a lot more than I do. Probably the same way I like chocolate chip cookies more than you (this is a fact).  

With all that being said, last week I walked into Tom Thumb and I purchased a 5.99 delicious crusted crab and avocado roll sushi box for lunch.  Two words: Commendable Crab.

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